自虐模式

很多事情其實就眼睜睜的擺在眼前，等待我去完成或是說是解決。

「但是為什麼遲遲沒有進行?」 這句話常常在問我自己。


我的工作跟生活完全是兩種個性，這無關工作，而是我自己的生活上，不厭其煩的玩著這樣的戲把。

知道要做、該做，但是卻讓他停在那邊，直到事態嚴重，才回頭收拾，不斷藉由我自己的手將自己推入火坑。我看的見自己的模式，卻難以改變這樣的習慣，期待自己能改掉這樣自虐的生活已經不下幾百遍。

套一句艾先生的話說，「從小鬼變成大鬼。」


舉個最簡單的例子，在「整理」上我總是一拖再拖。寧願因為這樣跟家人吵架、讓自己過得不舒服，也還是遲遲沒有完成。追求完美的劣根性，總是習慣把所謂的整理，弄成很繁複的程序、很精密的分類、很龐大的建檔，於是，總會面臨到無法分類、無法整理、無法動彈，耗費時間的過程，讓自己抗拒這一切 ：「又是自虐!」

每當有要整理得念頭時，就告訴自己，「先處理XX事吧!」「先去赴約吧!」「先看電視吧!」「好累喔! 明天再說吧!」。那天興起要整理的時候，卻總是大家要睡覺了，才熬夜整理房間，讓自己睡眠不足、隔天疲倦不堪：「還是自虐!」


「那，到底驅使我不讓自己成功、不想讓自己受歡迎的潛意識到底是甚麼呢?」


我明明知道如何做會讓自己變得更好的啊! 為什麼老愛讓自己變成一個受害者，等著看自己摔得一蹋糊塗!是家裡的磁場關係? 還是我前輩子欠債未還? 我已經得出我追尋的答案了嗎?


總歸，一方面我可以積極的完成其他任何我「現在」想做的事，一方面我又讓自己不斷啟動「自虐模式」讓自己遭受失敗跟挫折，不斷告訴自己、證明自己「妳不夠好!」。也許，追求完美才是導致我失敗的主因，延宕事物的毀滅者，我不是在追求完美，而是追求完美中的不完美，這樣才能夠享受我一蹋糊塗、自怨自哀的人生。

聽起來很可笑，但確實會這樣發生。


只希望，藉由寫出來，能夠讓我多一點驅使的動力，見證的自己逐步改變的樣貌。妳一定要加油! 把妳心中的大鬼趕出來! 變成正向積極快樂的好女孩吧!

她

單車環島的時候，我在夢中看見了她，她在對我微笑。

臉蛋很小、很尖，留著長長旁分的瀏海，像月亮彎彎會笑的眼睛，跟臉龐上露出甜美笑容時才會出現的小梨渦，很迷人，又帶著點自信的驕傲，我從來沒有見過她。

我的直覺告訴我，那是我，但卻又不同於我過往的樣貌。是的，那是我，我所喜歡的我，我在苦苦追尋盼望的那個人，而不是現在活在現實中的我。

To our friendship!

It's really hard to me to say someone is my good friend. I don't like to be hurt. Now I have to say... Yes! You are my good friend! I could be proud to say it aloud!

Ha! You've got promote! You're different to others now. Don't be surprised I will treat you well. ;)

To our friendship!

Stella

受傷

為了不讓自己受傷，於是變得被動；為了不讓自己受傷，於是害怕與人相處；為了不讓自己受傷，於是變得自閉。最後，讓自己一直受傷的，就是自己，因為，讓自己變得孤單就是自己。

「那就別怕受傷呀～ 自癒能力強弱而已。」

【BBC Learning English】The English we speak- 2011. 10.18 - Get lost

Last updated at 16:03 BST, Tuesday, 18 October 2011


BBC Learning English: The English we speak- Get lost (Link)


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Listen

The English countryside is beautiful but causes problems for Helen and Rob. Find out more about this phrasal verb in this week's The English We Speak.

phrase n.
phrasal a.


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The script for this programme


Rob: Hello and welcome to the English We Speak. I'm Rob.

Helen: And hello, I'm Helen. And today we've decided to come outside for a walk in the beautiful English countryside.

Rob: Mmmm, smell the wonderful fresh air. Isn't it great to be outdoors?

Helen: Oh, well it was…but not now it's raining. Come on Rob, I think we should head back.

Rob: Hold on Helen. Not that way! According to the map, it's this way…

Helen: Rob, you're always wrong. Just follow me but hurry up; we're getting wet.

Rob: Oh, get lost!

Helen: Get lost? We are lost!

Rob: No Helen – get lost – I mean go away, leave me alone. Don't tell me the way to go.

Helen: That's not a very nice thing to say.

Rob: Well, it's what you can say to someone if they're really annoying you. So go away, get lost!

Helen: OK, if you say so. I'm off. See you back at the car!

Rob: I'll get there first! OK, here are some other examples of using 'get lost': 

I'm tired of hearing about how you know everything. Just get lost!
Get lost! I'm having a break so don't disturb me.
You say you climbed Mount Everest on your own?! Get lost, I don't believe you. 

Rob: Mmm, saying get lost is quite impolite so you need to be careful how you say it and who you say it to. Maybe I was a bit rude to Helen. Helen, Helen, come back…I didn't mean to be so rude.

Helen: …well you weren't being very nice. Anyway, I was going to come back and find you.

Rob: And why was that Helen?

Helen: Because I got lost. I needed the map!

Rob: Ha. Well, here it is. Come on follow me.

Helen: OK Rob. See you next time.

Both: Bye.

Rob: Right, it's definitely this way.

Helen: Are you sure?

Rob: Yes, that's what the map says.

Helen: Rob you've got the map upside down!